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08:59am 23/06/2009
  i find myself having to continually keep writing or typing somewhere becuase i feell as if i dont i will explode and blow up everyone around me. Im in something of a whirlwind relationship...with someone ive known for a very long time... we talked for months before seeing each other for the first time in years and it was explosive... we instantly fell into that quick, deep seated love that makes you think youve found the person for you. too bad he lives 4 hours from me in another state... we told each other that it would be hard but, as in his words "you are the love of my life and there is nothing that can stop us." and i believed in that, had faith in that... thinking that i finally was gonna do it right and keep the man that i want to actually be with... without one foot part of the way out the door. So now, when hes having a really hard time he is pushing me away... he wont let me help him the way that he helped me... hell text me all day long but when it comes tie to talk of the phone theres always a reason he cant talk, and he hasnt told me he loves me in 2 days... i am soooooo confused. hes got a lot of stress to deal with right now, along with what seems to be a continual drinking problem and he seems to be getting worse, not better. i thought we had something that would last forever and now it seems that he either still wants me around but doesnt know how to go forward with fitting me in with everything else he has going on. i guess when it comes down to full time work and school with just finding out you have a daughter an out of town girlfriend will take the back burner. he doesnt know how to cope with all of hem or balance them i should say. but hes been so honest all the way through until now. even if i didnt want to lear it. donest have a problem being blunt what-so-sever, so why start now when it matters? we had plans... to move in together after he graduates and be together, then he wouldnt have to worry about finding time for me cause we would be together and he wouldnt have school anymore. all he would have to worry about is coming home to me and seeing his daughter on the weekends... i know if we can just make it to that place we will be just fine... but where i have the will and determination, he is trying to instill his on 4 different things... he is the most important person in my life by far and up until 2 weeks ago he felt the same exact way... i dont know what changed that quickly when we havent even seen each other in a quick minute... i wish there was a guy dictionary out there... a manual for every kind of man that when he does this, it really means this, so dont worry, or uh oh... i hate being in limbo. but if he wanted to break up with me why drag it out 3 more days? does he really just want to try and push me away first? unfortunately for him i am not going to be let him fall and give up, i will be the one to pick him back up... at least i want to be... its just so annoying thinking of all the different scenarios in my head over and over wondering... even if i talk to him today and he says its over, then fine, its over. then i can start getting over it... i mean, i really did think was the one for me. forever... that our chemistry was nothing short of electric... god he really is amazing. and hes doing all the right things, i just wish i knew why he was pushing me away. i just dont get it.... man dictionary!!! insert here!!! but i guess if it does end i can say that honestly i did things the right way this time and there was nothing more i could have done. i gave him everything i had and if that doesnt mean enough then i guess its his loss. maybe hell even come back after everything settles down and we can continue on our lives together. i guess most of the time you hope for that it doesnt really happen, or when it does its just too late.... but this has to end tonight one way or another... i ate once yesterday and cant even eat today when ive been up for almost 6 hours. im starving but my stomach is in so many knots i just feel sick... the only thing that i can do is drink fluids... ridic. i am not this pathetic and if hes not the one then hes not the one. if hes not that just means there is someone out there even better, but i dont know how that would be possible. hes everything i have ever wanted in a mate. so, question of the day... why would he text me all day long and then not tell me he loves me. i mean, why talk to me at all? why waste your time? or drag it on? i just think its cause he doesnt want to do it...but for some reason thinks he does? things could be worse, i could be sick or dead.... i may have a line on a great job and if i go for it im going to work my ass off. ill throw myself into it and never look back. i just dont want to be with out him... i love him very much... so in close, jonathan chase read, you have def made an impact on my life and i hope im the one you choose to spend your life with... i hope i can bring that shine out in you again... keep pushing my love, it will all come to an end, and then you will have everything you want and me too... xoxoxo  
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My thoughts on boys......   
10:06am 05/05/2008
mood: annoyed
i hate boys, i hate boys, i hate boys, i hate boys, i fucking hate boys.

i suggested to olivia (even though shes already married but hopefully for not much longer) that we should just get married. or unioned or whatever. we'll still have our boy toys but we will never care about any of them. ever. god damn..... corey forgot my birthday and ended up getting an attitude with me and i gave him a damn window a week later to try and talk it out and he said he wasnt sure he wanted to... 3 weeks ago he told me he loved me. what the hell kind of man doesnt fight for the girl he loves??? evidently him and i am really sad about that but i have to let him go. ive chased him for the last 2 years, im sure as hell not going to chase him when he forgets my birthday. i drew the line... too bad i wish it hadnt been drawn. i guess my stint downriver is over and i have nothing left but an old ex thats trying to get me into a new relationship with him and i dont want to. i dont want another fucking boyfriend. i hate all of you. you al screw me over and then come crawling back. well you can crawl somewhere else, i've got a fucking moat now. my super evil alligators that spit toxic slime will get you.
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i wrote this months ago and i thought it get erased. post anyway??   
10:03am 05/05/2008
  I believe yesterday was one of my harder days, and i did it all to myself.... being so nervous..... so, the story:

corey, my ex and i were seeing each other again about 3 weeks ago... well thats when it ended again.... but moving on. we were both being stubborn and he ended up deciding not to talk to me... again.... for the 5th god damn time. why do i keep trying you may ask? i still love him, fucking love. gets you everytime. so.... i write him a note and he reads it but doestn say anything back. not a thing. so super. what do i do now? i i try to talk to him on aim.... he signs off. and yet i still keep trying to get ahold of him... why? cause i still love him. bah.
so i decide i will write him a letter, which i did and it was almost 3 pages long. yikes. but only one sided paper, not both, its ok. so i decide im going to send it in the mail, minor problem... no way to know if he ever got it. then i think about just taking it to his apt and putting it in the mailbox, but cant because they dont have slots in their boxes, just a key that opens the whole thing for the mail man...... so i could send it through the express mail envilopes that cost 10 buck and track it.... overboard if you ask me. so next logical progression? take it directly to the source.... i was going to just take it to his apt, wait for someone to let me in, go upstairs, say, i just wanted to give you this, ill give you some time to think about it and ill come back tomorrow.... reasonable if you ask me... only problem was that i hadnt seen or talked to him in 3 weeks and i was freaking out a bit about how this following adventure might transpire... let me inform you:
~he wasnt there after i drove all the way there
~he had another girl at his apt
~he slammed the door in my face
~he wasnt there but came back while i was waiting for someone to let me in, looking as though i was stalking him
~he ripped up the leter in from of my face

...... i ended up taking it there and everything was fine. he took it, i went back the next day to talk about it and everything was fine... too bad that was months ago...
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foundation drawing II   
10:57am 21/10/2007
mood: aggravated
so the title above....... yea.
fuck foundation drawing II.
im not good at drawing people because no one has ever taught me, but evidently "the russian" (my teacher) feels it necessisary to remind me of what ive done wrong on a daily basis. now its to the point where i dont even want to do my homework anymore cause i know shes going to rip it apart. whoo!
im so behind from being sick
now im getting sick again.
2 weeks later.
how is that possible???
i'll tell you how.
denise's fucking cat.
that im allergic to.
climbing all over my furniature and everything else that belongs to me in this fucking apartment.
i hate cats.
she is currently curled up on my favorite blanket that i will now have to wash if i want to curl up with it again, thanks very much Harley.
theres nothing i can do about it either, she wont get rid of it. its her damn baby.
i need some canson paper.
and i cant wait to move downtown next year. fuck this commuting shit.
and allergies.

next: my 2007 sweetest day-
got a card
realized there was $94.00 missing out of my bank account
figured out where the withdrawls came from
pretty sure person that got me the card took my money and used it to, it turn, buy me said card
started feeling like poop again
called the bank and walgreens, no one can help me til monday
bryan came over
took me out to eat cause i was down
spent three hours looking for a certain type of lily all over the city
yay :)

see the two opposites?

in close, i must go set up the easel. even if she doesnt like it at least i'll get credit.... good day..... i said good day.

oh and i'd like to welcome skot back to civilization, matt and i missed you.
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01:53am 03/10/2007
mood: sleepy
i have no idea how long its been but i decided to keep this running. i really dont know anyone anymore so i think its fitting to actually use this as a journal again. indeed.

so, im currently fighting an annoying case of pnemonia. i got a whole bunch of meds and im doped up so for the moment im good, other than the stuffy nose that just wont quit..... 3 days off school with a note, sweet.

i started at ccs a few weeks ago, its deff. fun but a little overbearing. i hope that wasnt what wore me down enough to get sick cause im going to be sick a lot then..... hopefully not. i dont mind going to school for once, weird, right?

i have a russian drawing teacher that likes to kick my ass around and shes really not all that nice or funny. those russians, no sense of humor. but i like all the rest of my classes, a lot.

it must be just about that time to go to sleep, nypd blue is on tnt. but sleep hasnt come so easy or so much in the last few days, i almost want to push myself to the edge of exhaustion just so i can sleep a little longer.... sigh. well off i am. if youre still around, standby for more :)
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01:55am 26/09/2006
  shes the song you couldnt sing
and the note you couldnt hit
so you locked her up in a music box
turned the key on all of us.
she spins silver strings in the dark
with metal teeth
that ring in her heart
when the cover drops
the world just fades
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02:40pm 30/06/2006
mood: bouncy
The Twelve Days of Christmas
for boarderchic2284:
Day #Who?What they got you
1stAn Ouija board
2ndSea Monkeys
3rdA shiny new nickel
4thA hobo stick
5thA single strand of tinsel for your tree
6thA lock of Dr. Phil’s hair
7thAn expired transit ticket
8thA life sized poster of Rod Stewart
9thA bag stolen from a bag lady
10thA one way ticket to Siberia
11thA faux fur fedora
12thA Davy Crockett Hat
Take this Quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
( or, take the 'adult' version at QuizUniverse.com )
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Its different when youre lonely, the whole worlds in love   
06:55pm 21/04/2006
mood: stressed
My updates on here are becoming further and far between, stupid myspace sucking me in. but the whole journal thing has way less meaning and its almost not as fun. its like a more complicated aim with pictures that takes 2 days. maybe hours if youre an avid myspace checker. if you have my number, call me, if its important... like hey, lets hang out, were going bowling, call me. well, if i dont check it until tomorrow it does me no good now does it?

i actually paid for a year of livejournal at one point, craziness. my livejournal friends list has dwindled a bit but im sure we can get it up and running again. if nothing else, itll be more of a diary, i dont even know if anyone reads this anymore
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08:26pm 28/02/2006
mood: sick
"bush's accacptance rating is as low as its ever been." and why do you think that is?? maybe because our fucking vice president SHOT a guy. just maybe tho.

i am sick. definition of the word sick. i feel like im going to die, maybe in my sleep. i couldnt catch my breath last night at 4 am, who knows. i must say im feeling pretty miserable.

its been a little over a month since the whole ryan fiasco was over, and im glad, but lonely. its weird not having someone around youve been attached to for a year. at least were trying to be friends, i dont know if its going to work. i need to get my shit in order.

i need a job
i need money
i need antibiotics
i need money
i need a new door
i need money
i need to pay rent in an apartment i no longer live in
i need money
i need to pay the bills the collectors keep calling for
i need money
damn it.
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03:17pm 09/02/2006
mood: cheerful
i havent written anything in here in a long time, my space is way more addicting. lets see, updates.. i moved back into my parents place, got a drafting table, started hanging out with a childhood friend, started going to shows again, annnd and trying to get a job at lifetime fitness. ive got my simple life back and i love it :)
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03:57pm 03/01/2006
mood: cranky
im sorry ive been slacking, i must admit ive been sucked in by the myspace bandwagon. but i will do my best to juggle both....

new years was sweet, i had a party, it was a good time :) i think we hit full capacity at about 25 ish.
we drank too much too fast but all that resulted was early passing out, no puking. i must say i was happy about that.

today sucked... my toilet tank, not bowl had already flooded my bathroom about 2 in. by the time i got up this morning. couldnt get ahold of the matinence people, had to use clothes to stop it from flooding anymore out into our hallway. it leaked downstairs and caused my neighbor to inform us we had a leak... like we didnt know.... about an hour or so after we began trying to render this problem the repair guy got there... were still waiting for the carpet people to come bring a blower to try and dry it up. fuck independence green.
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09:10pm 15/12/2005
  how has it come to be that most people find everyday love to be useless, not enough, boring..... then proceed to throw away everyday love to search for extrordinary love which may never be achieved? :sigh:  
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09:06pm 15/12/2005
mood: tired
name 5 of life's simple pleasures that you like most, then pick 5 people to do the same. try to be original and creative and not to use things that someone else has already used. tag 5 people on your list.

i tag:

matt cook
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11:56am 14/12/2005
mood: amused
i know its been quite awhile since the last time i updated and for that i am soooo sorry, i know ya'll missed me...

so moving on, my school semester is over tomorrow until the 9th of january, shweetness. i cant wait. driving back and forth to troy everyday has gotten a tad wearing. at least ill save a shit ton of money. hope everythings good with everyone. happy holidays!
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01:51pm 26/10/2005
mood: blah
Well, all, i thought things had started to smooth themselves out but really they are just other things that complicate my life for no reason. you get rid of one complication, you get another. its like a never ending cycle. in any event im doing pretty good. enjoying school but ive already missed almost as many classes as i can with out being administratively withdrawn from the class. crappy. but o well, that just means i have to go and find something to keep myself occupied. i have a shit-ton of homework to do this weekend, drafting a kitchen, bathroom, and a bedroom. whoo freakin hoo. the thing that i dont like the most about this school thing is i have 4 classes, 3 are bullshit easy gen-eds, no sweat. but then i have my principals of interior design, which should be called, "everyday your teacher will tell you how difficult it is to succeed in your chosen future field and scare the shit out of you." class. shes nice and everything, good at explaining things, but theres only so much time in the day. i have to fit eating and sleeping in there somewhere dont i? well, hopefully ill have my computer back and have the internet again. its annoying just cause we dont have a phone book and also cause i have to go other places to type all my papers. well, hope you all have a good week. ill try to :)
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12:30pm 13/10/2005
mood: aggravated
my whole goddamn entry just got erased and i had quite a rant going but ill just have to shorten it up since i have no desire what-so-ever to re-write all of it. i yelled at ryan, he apologized and tried to do something nice. he had 3 days off and didnt lift a figer so i had to yell at him again. nothing about him is enjoyably anymore; company, sex, anything. i have more fun at school than i do with him. i just dont know how im going to get out of this one, i really dont... i wonder if that roommate thing works, but again, its a one bedroom apartment. damn it. whose got some advice????
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09:25am 07/10/2005
mood: frustrated
well, the apartment thing is a bust.

i live with a self-centered asshole who cant clean up after himself; do dishes, put food away, take out the trash... nothing. its regoddamn-diculas. he works 4 hours a day then does nothing but play madden while i sit there with my finger in my butt until i get bored and start cleaning. so im out, anyone looking for an apartment in the farmington hills area? i need someone to cover my lease, if not ill just have to break it cause this shit is beyond gay. i wouldnt even put up with a family member being like this, let alone someone not blood related. this kid uses my brand new car more than i do and runs up my cell bill, even though he has a phone. i want my life back, where i can do whatever the fuck i want to. and thats what ill do. case closed, i can do so much better. fuck this. not to mention he tried to talk me into not going to school on wednesday, its my first fucking week at a new school that i love. hes supposed to encourage me, not hinder me, so im out and done. ill be back with the real world soon. peace guys
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07:21am 03/10/2005
mood: bouncy
Well here i am, my first day of school at IADT. whoo hoo... i got dropped off and now i have 35 min to waste.

i still dont have internet at the apartment but im sure it'll be soon due to the fact that half my homework is on that site. i cant remember my password tho, damn it.

all in all everything is going ok, retty broke but ryan starts a new job today so hopefully that will work out for both of us. cross the fingers.

happy fall everyone, enjoy!
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04:22pm 11/09/2005
mood: contemplative
Just got back from my moms best friend's daughters wedding and all i have to say is whoooooooooooooooooooo! i had a blast. it was in mt. plesant and i didnt really know anyone at the wedding so i ended up hanging out with jimmy, kelly, kalyn, and jims friend nate that i met freshman year. went to a few places, today is kellys birthday you see.... i dunno, i just havent had that much fun in awhile and it was great to go out and let loose aka get trashed..

got an apartment with ryan and its not really going that well.... hes kinda an asshole to me a lot but it sucks cause we signed a 12 month lease... damn it. this whole thing should have been one of the high points in my life, and it was, but its quickly becoming and obviously bad desision. humph. well i guess we'll see how much i can really put up with huh?

hope yall have a good week!
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03:56pm 01/09/2005
mood: exhausted
well i finally have everything set for school!

yesterday i finalized my 15,000 loan (gah) and got my schedule, all thats left is good ole orentation and i will be an official student of IADT. sweet.

so i already have about 24 credits towards my classes so itll only take about a year for me to get my accociates, and then on to the bachlor. party time.

classes consist of... dah dah dah

Principles of Interior Design
English Composistion
Science (enviromental... 9th grade much?)

but i got the times i wanted so i wont be out in detroit til 11pm, which is ideal. so now its time to find a new part time job, get an apartment, and start school. whew.
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